Do’s and Dont’s of Online Dating

well welcome to the asking chair I know you’re an ass but I don’t care I’m gonna tell you anyways do the notes of online dating it was the year 2016 and no one wanted to leave the house so we had to come up with tinder I for one will never online date ever again so if you see me out there on the online dating world it’s a fake account despite popular belief I am not actually latina and living in Texas or in Chicago as a prostitute so do the dance of online dating first we’ll start with your profile the most obvious part is obviously your profile photo no shirtless mirror selfies that is the biggest turnoff if you’re in a girls that are impressed you have like a driver’s license or a credit card then I think maybe that’s the right profile photo for you I wouldn’t post a photo of you with other women or the opposite sex I don’t think you really need to explain that one right that’s pretty much it actually I just don’t look like look like a douchebag like all you have to do when you reach level 2 chatting up your prospects for your gizelle or your prey you need to know a few things okay everything you’re saying that this girl is getting overanalyzed times a thousand and all her friends know what you guys are talking about we scream shot everything if you get sexual at any point in time during our first conversations I’m going to assume that you’re a pervert I won’t talk to you pervert when you and your prospect exchange social media accounts expect some cheap fucking stalking not like I’m gonna look at every photo you posted since 2010 I’m talking about like the deep depths of the ocean kind of stalking we are gonna look at who’s following you and who you follow if you’re following like 500 hot chick accounts I’m gonna assume that your womanizer and I don’t want to have anything to do with you that may not be true maybe you just really appreciate beauty and you like looking at tits and ass but you know what nope falesha we can also take your instagram username and punch headed to this magical thing called google and not only will we know what accounts you’re looking at on a daily basis but will see all of the comments that you’ve made on these as well that’s somehow logged yeah not good it’s not look good for you shit I’m so sorry we can’t even we can’t even help it we were just so curious congratulations she reached level three come on down the date they say that you should do something special on your first date something super exciting that’ll make you have what do they call it again adrenaline yeah they want to give you adrenaline on your first date they say that you’re gonna associate that adrenaline feeling and mistake it for like butterflies and shit I hold that anxiety I don’t want to associate you with life-threatening fucking going skydiving anxiety from our first date I’d rather associate you with like a full belly and feeling like look I don’t like wet um what’s so wrong with dinner and we just go get get fucking bite to eat do you need to do you need to go parachuting I’m not gonna risk my life for that shit don’t be too handsy on your date either lots of leg touching and shit just creeps me out know that we are assuming that you are treating us like you treat every other woman on every other day that you’ve had like that week or that month I don’t want to hit I don’t want to be with a better are my legs so special are these the special legs that you’ve only touched this month how many legs have you touched Gerry just me I don’t think so I want to feel like a special lady so fuckin sue me at the end of a date always go in for a kiss not like a sloppy I have a boner kiss nobody really likes boner kisses on the first date but like just a nice kiss too kind of feel out the chemistry if your first kiss is rejected then like fucking who cares whatever now you know bye be an instant texture we’ve been conditioned to think that we should play it cool and there’s like a three day rule after a date like don’t text your girl for three days after a date or something so you know it seemed too eager it is the year 2016 I don’t have fucking time to wait three days for you to text me after a date I’ve already like moved twice and got engaged to like two different people I don’t even know your name anymore there’s nothing nicer than walking in from a nice date and getting a texting like he had a great time you’re like oh that’s so fucking cute I’ll see you like in two days that’s just a few that I could think of like on the top of my head so dating sucks being single sucks everything sucks but you know I hope you find your Lobster and you swipe right on that fine ass how go get that nan crazy bag because you deserve it the least psycho house and I hope you find her

Shares
|ShareTweet